Thursday, October 13, 2011

The Finish Line

Will I ever get there? Do I have what it takes? I am home sick and have been watching too much daytime tv that has to do with weight loss. I have been thinking a lot about my weight lately - why am I so heavy? what is holding me back? what am I afraid of? Sadly I do not have an answer to any of these questions. I have part of the answer but I think I am missing something - I think the struggle is deeper than eating right and moving more. That I can do....I only seem to be able to keep it up for a short time and then I fall back in to "old" ways. I know what I need to do. I was watching Dr. Phil and he said about cleansing your environment - if it isn't in the house you probably won't go out and get it. I know for most things I wouldn't and if I do that I must have really wanted it.

I keep talking about starting over and I'll be "better" next week or tomorrow. It is not about being "better" - it is about making changes to myself and how I see myself. My weight plays a large roll in my life - there are a lot of times that I let it take over - I really need to find a "healthy" (mentally) way of approaching weight loss. I am terrified that I am going to pass my unhealthy body image to my beautiful little girl. Again with Dr. Phil - a mom who put her 11 year old on a celery diet so she won't get at like her mom had - she also felt only skinny girls get the good, rich husbands. This woman is crazy but I am terrified that I will somehow pass something terrible on like that to Grace. Not in the same extreme but I talk bad about myself all the time and I am constantly on a "diet".

My husband and I have been talking a lot about eating better lately. We have fallen into what is "easy"....not usually the best for us. We need to start meal planning and working together. I find I am just too lazy by the time I get home to make a whole huge meal by myself does not appeal. I just want something easy and fast. Why can't easy and fast be healthy? It can - I have a crock pot and there are many things that are quick and healthy. We have been feeling run down - we spend so much time worrying about Grace eating right and getting enough fruits and veggies and forgetting that we need the same. Must treat myself better.